When It Feels Like Your Cross-Functional Peers Don’t Trust You
What to do when it feels like your credibility is being questioned - and how to turn quiet tension into trust.
One day, a senior manager I worked with shared something quietly, like they weren’t sure if it was okay to name out loud.
“I feel like Product is going around me. They’re asking my team questions about requirements I’ve already shared. It’s like they don’t trust that I’ve done my homework. I already asked my team. I gathered their feedback. So why are they double-checking me?”
They weren’t angry. But they were confused. A little deflated. And I understood the feeling.
When we become senior leaders, we take on more than tasks and deliverables. We take on a new kind of responsibility where you speak for the team, shield them from the noise, and bring order and clarity to work that can often feel messy and political. And when someone sidesteps that, even unintentionally, it can feel like a judgment of your leadership.
I’ve felt it too.
My own version
A few years ago, I was working at a mid-sized company, leading a growing team. We had more structure than a startup, but we were still figuring things out. I’d put together a cross-functional request after checking in with my leads, confirming priorities, and documenting everything.
The next day, a PM sent a message to one of my ICs. “Is this actually what you all want?”
It was a small thing. Just one message. But I felt my body tighten.
Did they not believe me?
Did they think I hadn’t asked the right people?
Did they assume I was just making it up?
For a minute, I wanted to call it out directly.
But I paused.
And instead, I asked a different question:
What if this isn’t about me at all?
A familiar pattern
Later, in conversation, I learned that the product manager had spent most of their career at early-stage startups. Places where PMs gathered requirements by walking over to someone’s desk and saying, “Hey, what do you think about this?”
They weren’t used to having a partner who filtered and represented the team.
They weren’t trying to be disrespectful.
They were doing what had always worked before.
And that was the moment the frustration lifted.
Because it wasn’t personal. It was just unfamiliar.
A framework that helped me move forward
I’ve since worked with many leaders who’ve faced similar situations and moments where they felt like their credibility was quietly being questioned, or their leadership wasn’t being seen.
There’s no perfect response. But I’ve found that a simple three-step approach can help.
I call it: Threat → Translate → Align.
Step 1: Is this a Threat, or a pattern?
It’s easy to jump to conclusions when something feels off. But often, what feels like a slight is really just a mismatch in expectations.
Ask yourself:
Is this a one-time moment, or have you seen this behavior before?
Is it just you, or do others experience it too?
What work environment might this person have come from?
In most cases, people are not trying to disrespect you. They’re just using the only playbook they know.
And if you can pause and see that, the whole interaction becomes easier to navigate.
Step 2: Translate, don’t escalate
Once you’ve taken the heat out of it, you can respond not from defensiveness, but from clarity.
You might say:
“Just so you know, I pulled in feedback from the team before I submitted that request. What you’re hearing from them now is already part of what we aligned on.”
Or:
“I totally get the instinct to check with folks directly. I’ve done that too. In this setup, I try to centralize the feedback so we don’t create multiple versions of the truth.”
It’s not about proving you’re right.
It’s about helping others understand how you work and why that helps everyone move faster.
Step 3: Align on the next loop
Finally, use the moment to shape how you’ll work together going forward.
You might ask:
“Would it be helpful if I included who I talked to when I send cross-functional requests?”
“If something ever feels unclear, would you rather ping me directly or set up a quick check-in?”
“What would help you feel confident that you’re getting the full picture?”
Simple questions, asked with openness, can go a long way toward reducing friction.
A quiet kind of leadership
There’s a kind of leadership that doesn’t show up in status updates or big wins.
It shows up in how we respond when trust is uncertain.
When someone questions us, even unintentionally.
When we feel overlooked, or underestimated, or invisible.
In those moments, it’s easy to react.
To prove.
To protect.
But the leaders who earn lasting trust are the ones who choose to understand before they push back. That was one of my favorite values from days at LaunchNotes. Its important to offer clarity before they escalate. Try to create new norms instead of just pointing out the old ones.
The senior manager I mentioned earlier?
They had a quiet conversation with their product counterpart. No blame. No defensiveness.
Just: “Here’s how I work. Here’s how I want us to work together.”
And things got better. Not overnight. But meaningfully.
Because they chose to lead.